“of making many books there is no end; and much study is a weariness of the flesh” – Eccl 12:12
As I read the things I’ve written here the past year, I find I’m repeating myself. And I haven’t even made it clear what I’m trying to say. I keep dancing around, moments of elucidation, but not quite hitting the mark. Where is it going? What’s the take away?
Maybe it’s this:
I became a born-again Evangelical Christian in 1974, the summer after high school, life-guarding at my neighborhood pool, just two months before starting my freshman year in college.
I walked away from Christianity for good when my sister refused to get a Covid vaccination because the vaccine development derived from stem cell research on aborted human fetuses. I realized she and the rest of Christianity were hopelessly blind, babies in understanding, forever needing milk, not solid food.
Then, on Jan 6, 2021, Evangelical Christian ideology helped fuel a racist, homophobic, misinformed, misguided, deeply confused, radical mob that decided the only way to protect democracy was to destroy it. And the wreck of the capitol that day was just the exclamation mark on the rubble of the protections of individual liberty left by pro-life Evangelicals like my sister who twisted the system into forcing their religious beliefs on a populace that rejects them. The Supreme Court that Evangelicals created, through single-minded manipulation of the system, would dismantle Roe v. Wade on June 24, 2022.
The rift with my sister, the Jan 6 insurrection, and the overturn of Roe v. Wade left me wanting to somehow stop this reversion to the Dark Ages. I thought I could write down the things I had come to believe in a way that my sister and other Evangelicals might be able to understand. I composed them as little sermons with scripture quotes, songs, and other references that had helped me find my way. Maybe if someone really wanted enlightenment, my words might speak to them. Who knows, maybe a small spark could spread…
It took me a while, but now I can summarize those words:
I thought God would reveal The Truth to anyone who seeks it. And The Truth is God doesn’t give a shit what you do, there is no heaven or hell you’re headed for, God doesn’t need you to do anything for him, and who the fuck are you to judge whether or not what somebody else is doing is what God wants. And our one and only responsibility while we are alive is to know what we want most in life to do, to do it as best we can, and do it with all our strength and passion.
That’s it. That’s what I wanted to say.
I don't think anybody cares what I say, and my words won’t make a bit of difference to anyone. Perhaps they just make a difference to me.
It’s time to move on.
I’m getting older, and I feel the losses more. We lose our parents, our friends, ex-lovers, wives, husbands, children, and pets. We lose the things we used to be able to do. We might even lose our memories, and forget the ones we love the most. I thought getting old would just be a transition, and then I’d get used to it. But it hasn’t worked that way.
“Remember also your Creator in the days of your youth, before the evil days come and the years approach when you will say, “I have no pleasure in them” … [when] the grasshopper drags itself along, and the caper berry is ineffective” – Eccl 12:1,5 NASB
I can relate. I mean, how depressed do you have to be to feel like a grasshopper that can’t jump anymore, and can only drag itself along? And how about when those caper berries, a millennium BCE version of Viagra, just don’t do it for you? A thousand women in your harem, and you can’t get it up anymore. Dang…
And moreover, because the preacher was wise, he still taught the people knowledge; yea, he gave good heed, and sought out, and set in order many proverbs. The preacher sought to find out acceptable words: and that which was written was upright, even words of truth. … And further, by these, my son, be admonished: of making many books there is no end; and much study is a weariness of the flesh. – Eccl 12:9-12